BEING HOPEFUL WHEN DATING FEELS COMPLETELY HOPELESS.
Some would say it all happened too soon. I on the other hand, think all my previous dead end relationships have led me to this very day. This day of having no expectations upon meeting someone. Only hope.
From one dud to the next, it’s easy to see someone that stands out from the crowd. However, I once upon a time thought some of these duds did too. Oh how they fooled me good! Notoriously red flag ridden and inconsistent. Then there’s me, slowly but surely chipping away at the god- like statue they initially presented, until I unmasked the real inner them; scared to feel, undercover commitment phobes and broken little boys who have never allowed themselves to be healed.
I knew that once the rock crumbled, so too would they and our time together would be up. I was living my life like an archaeologist, which ironically was something I was considering studying at university long ago. I would dig up their past with little or no prompting, the more I got to know them and that would slowly reveal the person they were and determine the person they couldn’t be for me.
It’s hard being a fixer without even choosing to be one. I was just fortunately or unfortunately predestined to be one. And they know. From apps far and wide, in random meetings and every day life, those in need pop up. Requiring my listening ear, my big heart and my tolerance and acceptance. This is not dissimilar to many friends who have used or taken advantage of me for these very personality traits. Qualities I’ve had to reign in for appropriate and timely use. Which has been a difficult journey in itself.
So when I allow myself to be fully vulnerable, I’m talking walls down, completely myself, open and totally honest, I expect the same in return. Or now, at least hope for that. I expect that the person I am willing to allow to see these parts of me actually cares about me, actually continues to behave with consistency and by being able to see the real, unfiltered, ridiculously weird and sarcastic me, they don’t run a mile. Instead, they strive to match my punned ways, drink tea at 9pm with me and call me out right back. One can only hope he’s out there for all of us. Now wouldn’t that be the day…